Bobbie Dennis

Gooooooood evening everyone. Hope we are all well and our minds are still whole. And when I say we, Amanda Holden I am directing this predominately at you, boo. If you missed it, the BGT judge FINALLY weighed in with her hot take on the panny-d unveiling that it was actually 5G that caused Coronavirus. Outstanding. Almost as good as the revelation of Rebekah Vardy’s account and Wagatha Christie. I love a conspiracy theory as much as the next person but C’MON GUYS. Pls don’t blame your headache on the 5G Karen. I wonder why, given that we are all confined to the insides of the same building…constantly engrossed in teeny tiny screens…stressed…amid a global crisis…that we all have headaches. Baffled. As much as I would love to call myself a scientist (did u know I’m doing an MSc) (yea) (SCIENCE) (absolute phony) it doesn’t take a genius to conclude that our screen time is probably the chief perpetrator of said headaches.

In other but also related news, it’s been a grand total of 72 hours since the official beginning of my lockdown (adios Budgens). In said time, I think my IQ has dropped about 10 points. Inside? On my own? All day? Help. So naturally this alone time has been manifesting itself in behaviours such as buying 6 balls of macrame string and listening to the Trolls World Tour soundtrack on repeat just to feel something – yes I’m talking about the JT and SZA song. Unbelievable Jeff. Indeed, my current favourite work-avoidance activity is forcing my family to learn TikTok dances. I have tried so hard to fight it and I know and understand that you can’t get any more millennial equivalent of ok boomer than 22 year old Bobbie D joining Tik Tok but once you submit, there’s no going back. It is like Vine on steroids. SO MANY DANCES TO LEARN. My current quarantine highlight is forcing my dad to dance to the Weeknd (video in progress).

Despite this, as nice and as reassuring as it is to know everyone is in the same boat without a paddle, in light of said crisis I took some drastic action this weekend in an attempt to iron out my brain (*dramatic X Factor music*). I finally said farewell to my phone. DUN DUN DUN. Yup, I packed up, rehoused and shipped it to a new, secret, remote location in the depths of my house (the top of my bookshelf). Charged but vacant. Ciao. Adios. I’m DONE.

Now ordinarily this is SO not me. This is by no means an attempt to paint myself as some kind of martyr for not using my phone, for ~living in the moment~. There’s definitely a genre of person who gets high and mighty about being free from their phone but I would bet a substantial amount of money on the guess that they all have very small hands. Do you want a medal? Are you proud? Leave us alone and go shag a tree why don’t you!! Let us scroll through funny dog videos for hours in peace.

However however, this time I believe it to be top tier necessary. Global pandemic aside, I’m not going to try and pretend I don’t have an unhealthy relationship with my phone. Much screen time. What do I even do on there? Genuinely. I think I am more active for sure when trying to get someone’s attention (classic) (ask yourself why this is ppl). But beyond this, I think I spend most of my time looking through messages or endlessly scrolling through my friend’s sister’s cousin’s (twice-removed) friends’s dog’s instagram. WHY BOB. Is that actually good for you? Are you actually enjoying it?

As I’ve said time and time before, this kinda conduct isn’t healthy for anyone but throw in a measure of Covid-19 and a sprinkling boredom and the problem gets exacerbated by about 109%. My phone is not the place to be. Social media ain’t good for the soul. You only have to look at your Instagram feed to see how crazy people are going – baby photos, “game faces”, until bloody tomorrow (!!) posts GALORE. I don’t want to be a spoil sport but really now, what is happening. What are we doing people. What are we trying to achieve here?

From personal experience, the only thing this endless scrolling results in is a bad mood. Much bad mood with side dressing of overthinking. It’s just like a bad episode of Blankety Blank where I am the contestant and it is my job to fill everything I don’t know or understand with all the worst possible outcomes. The number of times I have turned off my phone to feel calm after reading something I didn’t want to or sending a risky text just encapsulates how destructive screen time can be for our brains!!

So I said goodbye. If Ed Sheeran did it, why can’t I? And I have to say, it’s going swimmingly. I understand this makes me sound dramatic af, I know I’m not going off to war or anything but you know what, it is insane how much better I feel. It is doing absolute bits for the serotonin levels. That big fat headache and soooo much worry has subsided. I have more energy, I’m more creative and I think my brain is legitimately more game to soak up actual interesting information.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve not turned completely amish. I’ve still using apps on my laptop and am of course still managing to procrastinate. However, for all the likeminded obsessives/over-thinkers out there, honestly try turning your phone off. It actually makes SUCH a difference. I genuinely feel like I’ve burst out from a little bubble I was totally unaware I was in.

Literally there is no better opportunity to fill your time with more important, fulfilling enterprises, such as actually doing your work (lol) (@me and the 11,000 words I need to write tehe) or watching the entire series of Tiger King – I am absolutely sweating to talk to someone about this so please hit me up. Right now, for me anyway, anything is a superior alternative to wading my way through Instagram posts.

Or you know, don’t. You do you, whatever keeps you haps. Just whatever you do please don’t believe that 5G has caused Covid-19.

Love, Bobs xxxxx