Bobbie Dennis

“The other day I had a low-key existential crisis and I felt like Bobbie Dennis”

Roberta Herriman, 2019

Anyone who follows me on social media/has stood within a 2-mile radius of me will know I am no stranger to an existential crisis. Not to beep my own horn, but I consider myself essentially the Mayor of Existential Crisis City (trip advisor rating 1/5) and time n time again when I’m caught off-guard (e.g. mid Glastonbury-performance in the shower) I’m struck by the same group of questions/thoughts: (please adopt your best Professor Trelawney voice accordingly)

~Who am I~

~What is the point to life~

~We’re just a collection of hormones and ultimately our thoughts mean nothing~

~The universe doesn’t care about me~

~What is my purpose~

*screams internally*

And I’m not going to beat about the bush, it’s pretty shit. I think my first full-blown existential crisis interrupted my peace after my GCSEs. I remember being sat in my room, probs pondering the questions I’ve posed above, just staring into the abyss. Luckily for me, at the time my Mum intervened and was like you have to make your own purpose Bobs (!!) don’t woz (!!) you got this (!!) and with that, for the time being I parked my concerns with my place in the universe and cracked on. Although I’ve had the occasional flirt, until finishing uni I didn’t properly consider it again.

The thing about the end of uni is that it is meant to be fun. And for the most part, it is. It’s a weird combo of sad but also the feeling that when Santa Anas blow, all bets are off and anything can happen (name that film) and with this, comes this crazy pressure to do ALL THE THINGS. It’s the last ever x, the last opportunity to see y and a time of “screw it let’s go to y we’ll probs never see these people again!!” A dangerous time for both bank account and dignity. The ending, in my experience, was a reaaaaal long process with life and emotions Usain Bolting at level 100. Don’t get me wrong, it was great but suddenly you’re back at square one. In your room. Face-to-face with the biggest and fattest anti-climax of all time. And all around you, you’re faced with that big ol question:

So, what now?

And with that, you start panicking and sweating and worrying and suddenly all your friends have grad jobs, a career plan and a wad of cash to go travelling with whilst you’re back in your hometown floating, alone and overdraft ridden. Of course, this isn’t actually the case. In reality, every graduate and their dog is in the same boat as you, but social media makes it painfully hard to acknowledge that you’re not the only one in this position. With every boomerang of their London office and Linked In posts shaking hands with very businessy business men who do business, it’s hard not to feel like a bit of failure. With the juxtaposition between the crazy, social, all-your-pals-living-a-two-min-walk-away uni life and the return to your family home with only your dog to keep you company, it’s pretty hard to stay positive.

So essentially, finishing Uni has seen the Eastenders-style-Christmas-Day-shock-ex-character-esk-return of my old friend Mr Existential Crisis. Three years were suddenly over and I was back in my room staring again. But unlike GCSE Bobbie, I now had no set pathway to follow. The comforting yellow brick road of school, then sixth form, then uni had diminished leaving some kind of muddy tri-wizard-tournament-style lonely set of pathways that you were forced to pick from. *Gets out violin*.

BUT: It’s not all doom and gloom, I know things will get better. I’m by no means out of the rut but I have found a few of things that have helped and hopefully they might help you too 🙂

So, without further ado, I present you a short list of things of dos/don’ts that hopefully will help you get through this awful stage and help bat away those existential thoughts.

DONT:

Spend hours on social media.

Honestly, I feel like Instagram especially is the worst for this. Yes, I am very happy for all my pals doing all the impressive things but it is so hard to remember that social media should not be taken at face value. Social media is constantly used to showcase the best parts of a person’s life. However, in my brain, what people post is merely the tip of the iceberg of what super impressive things they get up to. In my brain, everyone around me is sat reading complex Economist articles, running marathons, learning to write code, earning all the dollar all whilst working on the cure for cancer in their spare time. I am SO bad for feeling a pressure to be doing something productive every minute of every day because I see people posting themselves being proactive. So, for me, avoiding social media is the answer- out of sight, out of mind. Comparing yourself is so unhelpful and avoiding social media is a good way to stop it. I’ve found adding time limits to your apps to limit your screen time really helpful if like me you find yourself subconsciously doing it!

Make an existential crisis playlist.

I have this terrible habit of putting music on and pretending like I’m at my ~ character development montage stage ~ (you know the ones) in a film, and acting all mopey and whimsical. Listening to Tame Impala Feels Like We’re Only Going Backwards/ Ain’t Nothing’s Changed Loyle Carner/ Frank Ocean Nikes on repeat isn’t going to help a n y o n e (but Frank) (love you where have u gone) and your Spotify followers will be grateful for the variety.

Sit in the dark and mope. Lol.

I have tried and tested this method but alas, it does absolutely nothing to help the situation. By all means take some time by yourself have a cry if you’ll feel better for it but dropping this habit will help.

Instead, DO:

Listen to Audible/Podcasts

Okay so 2019 has been the year of Spotify Podcasts for BD. As lame as this sounds, it’s just comforting to have someone tell you a story and share their thoughts. Hearing different views and real-life experiences has really helped me feel a bit less existential and get out of my head for a bit. Would absolutely recommend the High Low (Dolly Alderton and Pandora Sykes are my heroes), How to Fail (Elizabeth Day), Off The Menu With Ed Gamble and James Acaster, Desert Island Disks (trust me) and Today in Focus.

On that note, I would also absolutely recommend AUDIBLE. My saving grace. Basically, audible is library of all the best books where you can listen to your favourite authors literally read to you. Just to list a few goodens: James O’Brien’s How To Be Right … in a World Gone Wrong, Michelle Obama’s Becoming Me, Adam Kay’s This is Going to Hurt, Robert Webb’s How Not to Be a Boy, Dolly Alderton’s Everything I know about Love are all wonderful (but will do a full blown post about those soon).

Tidy (…alright, Mum)

I know this probably sounds stupid but tidying is something that you can readily have the power to control. As deep as this sounds, I have zero power over my place in the universe or what curveballs the world is going to throw at me BUT: I can tidy my room. Dramatic I know but honestly as a certified control freak it makes me feel like I’ve got more of a hold on the world. #selfcare but really, self-care! Tidy space tidy mind. From this too decluttering is the BEST. I’ve kept a huge box of nostalgic bits and bobs which really helps puts things into perspective and everything else you clear you can sell/donate to the charity shops too. Helping yourself and others, lovely.

Do something where you can get an instant reward or sense of achievement

Puzzles? Colouring? Cleaning? Painting? (Even if it’s your conservatory door and you end up getting white paint all over the carpet, the dog and your feet ooops (sorry Mum) (sorry Dolly) (sorry feet)). Getting instant gratification from a really easy task, much like the tidying point, makes me feel so much more validated and empowered? This might sound really mundane but HONESTLY little wins are so important and puzzles are ridiculously underrated. If you can’t already tell, I am gassed for retirement.

Reach out to your pals

Your pals, especially those who have just graduated WILL GET YOU! They are in the boat with you, talk to them about it. My parents are so wonderful but only those in the same position as you will really understand how weird this time is. FaceTime is a wonderful creation and no matter how far away your friends are a simple 20 minute call can make you feel worlds better.

Remember it is okay (good even) to SWERVE

Park your plans. Make ends meet. Live your dreams. Forget everyone else’s expectations and do something that is good for YOU and coast for a bit. I think most of my feelings of existential dread stem from the idea that I don’t want to take any backward steps. After squirrelling away for three years working to come out and find yourself back working a part-time job you had before you left is kinda soul destroying. But, to paraphrase Michelle Obama: It is absolute okay to swerve if that makes you happy. There’s this mad pressure to do everything so quickly but in reality, the earth isn’t going to stop turning on its axis if you don’t dive straight into to a job. Figure out what you want to do!

So that’s about it. Hopefully this has helped somewhat, these things have definitely helped me over the past two months. Just remember to take it all slow, we got this !!

Love Bobs x